An Athiest in the Woods

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by scokes, Aug 11, 2009.

  1. scokes

    scokes Member

    "An Atheist in the woods"

    An atheist was walking through the woods.

    "What majestic trees!"
    "What powerful rivers!"
    "What beautiful animals!"
    He said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling
    in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.

    A 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

    The man ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked
    over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on
    him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was
    even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled
    over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on
    top of him, reaching for him with his left and raising his
    right paw to strike him.

    At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!".
    Time Stopped.
    The bear froze.
    The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out
    of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years,
    teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a
    cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of
    this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It
    would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat
    me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the
    BEAR a Christian?"

    "Very Well", said the voice.

    The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
    And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws
    together, bowed his head & spoke:

    "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy
    bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

  2. SimpleSimon

    SimpleSimon Active Member


    Obviously not a country boy - with grizzlies you do what they can't - you climb a tree. Be sure you get above their reach, and latch on tight - they know all about shaking trees to get the nut to fall down.
  3. fasteddy

    fasteddy Member

    I used to get great pleasure from poking an angry bear in the backside with a short stick.
    Then as I got older I noticed the bear could due 30 miles an hour and I couldn't.
    It was a very sad day in my life.

  4. scokes

    scokes Member

    Hey now SS, you're not too far from me.

    I've actually got a few black bears in the woods behind my house. They don't seem to bother anyone, but they are definitely there.

    Just about a month ago, I took the family camping in the Ozarks. Before calling it a night a fellow camper came around to warn us of a bearsighting that had occured the night before. We, of course, tied down all the food in the ice chest and went on to bed. We were awoken by the sound of a campground trashcan being kicked around, but decided not to peek out as it was less than 20 feet from our tent. Sure enough, the next morning, all of the trashcans were pulled over and trash scattered across the grounds. Note: these were large enough cans that even the largest of 'coons couldn't have brought them down. I would have liked to have gotten a picture, but then again, I was glad to be going home without any bear wounds....

    I am sad to say, FastEddy, the only way I could outrun a bear would be if it was a chainsmoker with a broken leg and near-sightedness.
  5. fasteddy

    fasteddy Member

    Still wouldnt help. Bear can smell a human 2 miles away.

  6. Zev0

    Zev0 Member

    It may, being very near sighted, the bear would be slowed down by crashing into trees he couldn't see. :grin5:
  7. fasteddy

    fasteddy Member

    I was thinking that old bear would have a hard time getting traction on the slippery trail I'd be leaving.
    It would be one of the few times I lived up to my nick name.

  8. Mountainman

    Mountainman Active Member

    that was a good one
    and yes you guys are funny
    I enjoy this much from up top ((God's)) mountain top
  9. scokes

    scokes Member

    Praying for a Bike

    Praying for a Bike

    A little boy wanted $100 to buy a new bike, and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

    When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

    The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read:

    Dear God;
    Thank you very much for the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, they deducted $95.00 for themselves.
  10. srdavo

    srdavo Active Member

    hahahaha.... good one!

  11. SimpleSimon

    SimpleSimon Active Member

    You know, I went for a 30 km hike on the Wild Coast in Natal Province, SA, once. When we getting our day packs out and donning hiking boots in the parking lot at the trail head the Ranger proceeded to tell us about possible hazards, and how to deal with them. Wasps, brown cobras, feral mongooses, and by far the worst - Cape Buffalo.

    His advice if acosted by a buffalo was to climb a sturdy tree, get at least ten feet up it, and hang on tight until the buffalo got tired and left, or help came along. About 2pm that day, Marie and I came into a large meadow, about a km long by 2/3 km wide, fairly level. At the other end was a huge buffalo bull - he looked up at us when we stepped out of the forest, and something is his posture, the way he was holding his head, the way his tail commenced to rwitching, told me he was NOT A HAPPY CAMPER!

    So, I tugged Marie back a few feet into the tree line - at which point the bull started his charge. Shoved Marie up a fairly large tree, and went up one across the trail from her, got secured about the time he slammed into the trunk of the tree I was in - it was about as if a bulldozer had whacked it. I had a heck of a time holding on and staying in the tree. Pretty quick I found out why the Ranger had advised us to get at least ten feet up - that miserable creature reared up, and tried to hook me out of the tree with his horns.

    Like I said, it was about 2pm. At about 7:30 that evening the Ranger and his crew of guys came down the trail (they trotted it's length south to north just after dawn, then home just before night) to check for stragglers - there was no night camping allowed through there except in fenced campgrounds. They found us in our trees, and the bull about 40 yards out in the meadow. They had a regular routine for dealing with him, apparently, and he knew it - it wasn't long before he gave up in disgust and went crashing off through the brush.

    5 and a half very uncomfortable hours up a tree, holding on for dear life as he periodically rushed my tree or Marie's, convinced both of us we wanted nothing more to do with buffalo. They escorted us to the campground, we rented a rondavel for the night, then caught the shuttle bus back north after breakfast to where the kombi was parked.

    We had planned a couple more day hikes in the area, but during our discussion over breakfast we changed our minds, and headed cross-country to the northwest Cape coast, just south of what is now Namibia. Messing with large, angry wildlife is to high-risk a proposition if your lady is at risk.
  12. Zev0

    Zev0 Member

    WOW, amazing story Simon.
  13. sparky

    sparky Active Member

    It's amazing he'd spend hours trying to get you. It's not like he'd eat you. I guess he just wanted a friend, or a rag doll rather, to play with.
  14. SimpleSimon

    SimpleSimon Active Member

    Cape Buffalo are the most dangerous land animals on this planet, after man. That is not my opinion, it is the opinion of very knowledgeable big game hunters and experts. They are unvelivably aggressive, and really very good at killing predators - which they know man is.