The Christmas Party

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by srdavo, Dec 14, 2009.

  1. srdavo

    srdavo Active Member

    School Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: December 1, 2009

    RE: Gala Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the school Christmas Party will take place on December 18th, starting at 1:00 PM in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our principal shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 2:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

    Our principal will make a special announcement at that time!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family,


    School Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: December 2, 2009

    RE: Gala Holiday Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

    Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family,


    School Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees

    DATE: December 3, 2009

    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?


    And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the administrators believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


    School Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    To: All Employees

    DATE: December 4, 2009

    RE: Generic Holiday Party

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 17th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

    Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each group will have their own table.

    Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the gäy men's table.

    To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

    We will have booster seats for short people.

    Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

    I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

    There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

    Did I miss anything?!?!?


    School Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Fùcking Employees

    DATE: December 5, 2009

    RE: The Fùcking Holiday Party

    I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

    The rest of you fùcking wierdos can kiss my à ss I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

    Drive drunk and die,

    The Bitch from Hèll!!!

    School Memo

    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

    DATE: December 8, 2009

    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

    In the meantime, administration has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and dismiss school 15 minutes early.

    Happy Holidays!


  2. fasteddy

    fasteddy Member

    Please stop! My chest hurts, my ribs can't take any more and now I have to clean my key board and the desk. Too,Too funny and too true.

  3. machiasmort

    machiasmort Active Member

    That sums up life in America pretty well... Hope you didn't offend anybody by posting that! LOL!

    Great one Davo! By the way, what ever turnned out to be the prob w/your heater?
  4. kerf

    kerf Guest


    You've made my day!
  5. Tom

    Tom Active Member

    Christmas is a religious holiday? Since when? I just thought it was about buying stuff.

    Seriously, LOL!
  6. arceeguy

    arceeguy Active Member

    My "holiday" party is today. I wonder what the "grill of death" is serving up.........
  7. kerf

    kerf Guest

    Tom Scrooge, I thought you were familiar.:jester:
  8. kerf

    kerf Guest

    Wife works at an elementary school, read this to her on the phone, she cracked up. Would have emailed it to her but was afraid the IT people would see it and she would be fired.
  9. give me vtec

    give me vtec Active Member

    yeah... that was good. Thanks for the smile ;)
  10. fasteddy

    fasteddy Member

    Caught me with a mouth full of apple cider. What a flamming mess and I knew better too.

  11. eastwoodo4

    eastwoodo4 Member

    she shoulda wrote,fuc you,its our christmas party and if you dont like it,go to ****!