In one word, NO...No matter what it is your trying to do with an exhaust on these things, you are going to need the skills to adapt things to it...There is no miracle, magic, easy bolt on device that is out there to solve your problem.Now, I'm turning again to this community to ask if anyone has suggestions for aftermarket parts, such as exhaust headers or manifolds, that could tackle my issue more efficiently. I welcome any proposed solutions.
If there was an easy way to do this without a torch, I am sure your not "very impressed" friends would have readily told you what you could do much better than we can.
Since you have already scrapped the torch concept that out knowledgeable forum members have offered as a solution to your problem since a ready made, readily available device is NOT available for what you want to do, and also because you have your good friends who are assuring you there is a much better way to do this, then ask them for their bright ideas for what will actually work and have them also tell you exactly how to do it while they are at it.